trigger warning: suicide+joy
this (and any) joy that I have, is to give away. I didn't, do not, and will not continue to survive Bipolar Disorder to not be a blessing to someone else. again, this post may not be for you. if it isn't--don't read. if it is, may God add a blessing to your reading of this testimony
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
today, id like to thank God for my own bounce-back.
definition, Bounce Back = one's or a group's ability to self correct an error, to almost autocorrect with little or no outside help.
Last night, I was feeling bad in a bad way and, and--I bounced back. (This is a miracle, an epic one.) This is my first time bouncing back from my own crippling sadness, by myself--with some outside help from my therapist.
The text that "hit" was "Welcome to My Father's House." I wasn't expecting this piece to be that useful. It was just another gospel/spiritual on my playlist. However, when I heard the "tell him," I immediately felt better.
I proceeded to tell God about how suicidal I've been and how resentful I've been of feeling suicidal. That song worked (read: conjured) other text that were already deep down such as:
"Cast your cares on him" and,
"Be still God will fight your battles" and,
"I can do all things thru Christ whom strengthens me" and,
both of my Grandmothers and all of my other mothers' "it's gon be alright" and,
somebody uncles' "lay down a little while" and, and, and, I felt better.
While, I did recover, I'm clear that I'm not cured and that God is good.
I'm clear that I won't always be well but, it is always well... I'm clear that these may be troubling times but, trouble don't last, always.
I'm clear that weeping may endure for a night but joy. unspeakable joy will come, in the morning. (and) I'm clear that depression and mania will be with me, always...but so will God's mercy and grace.
As I finish this off to celebrate this 26th trip around the sun, please hear a Vanessa Bell Armstrong as she sing a this in my memory...
"I'm determined to stay with Jesus; I'm determined, to stay with the Lord." Maybe God's in our memory and (re)membering.
Amen and Asé.
P. S. Here's that sacred text that blessed me and gave me a bounce back...
🎧🎹" Tell him, just what you're going through Listen, he's got a word for you Ask him, and he'll show you what to do, Welcome to my fathers house. 🎧🎹"
